Lack of Understanding
by Zombie Oinkers
Summary: Izuru would never expect Toshiro of all people to even know of his existance, much less admire him. That was the way Toshiro wanted it. Kira still loves Gin. Hitsugaya decides to end that, determined to understand. Toshiro X Izuro ToshiIzu HitsuKira
1. Chapter 1

I don't understand.

Why would someone so happy and kind become so agonizingly miserable because of someone so disgusting and despicable? What was it that made him protect that disgusting person? What did that disgusting person do to make him attack Matsumoto?

I don't understand.

Because I restrict myself to.

Kira Izuru was Momo's close friend. I have spoken to him once. The first time I met him he was kind and he spoke to me as if I were a grown man, which was something that happened rarely at that time. In the course of that conversation, he opened up in a way you shouldn't to a stranger, even a child. He explained to me the reason he so badly wished to be a shinigami. I have now admitted to myself that during that twenty-three minutes, I developed what Matsumoto may call a "little-boy-crush" Pathetic I know. But that Kira Izuru had so much hope in every word. I decided to reveal my true self and show those shinigami who was the child.

Things changed after I became a shinigami, but not Izuru. As I said, I only spoke to him once, and decided to keep it that way, seeing his hope be sustained was good enough. If I had seen Kira, I had a good day.

But then that un-describably sick bastard ruined everything. He ruined Izuru's hope. He slaughtered any chance of me ever having a good day ever again.

You can't imagine how much it hurt to see Kira barely on the line of existence. He was no longer himself.

He was more the human form of his Zanpactao.

He was Wabisuke.

He was the Miserable Man.

I have spoken to that person once, and never wish to ever again. I have discovered that his sadness radiates even more then his hope. I have never wished to kill myself but that moment.

* * *

"We're getting a new captain?"

I froze and turned to look at bulletins and notices that took months to make but no one really gave a shit about. I was about twenty feet away from Kira and a messenger. A new captain huh?

"Yeah notify your team will ya?"

Well that was blunt… Asshole.

"Our team is completely falling apart though…

The sadness in his voice speared me again. I hadn't felt so terrible since I drew my sword against his.

"So I hope our new captain's a nice guy."

I couldn't help but to turn and look. To my great surprise, and even greater pleasure- he was…. Smiling… Although I was then happy, I was also wincing from my heart banging against my chest so hard. In my silly, slightly health-threatening daze, I was stupid enough to fuckin' SAY something! My stupid, shitty, mother-fucking, bitchy, asshole of a brain made the words come one in a ridiculous squeaky voice, "I'm positive he will be. Don't worry about it.

DAAAAAAMMMMMMNNNNNN YOUUUUUU TOSHIROOOOOOO!!!!

Oh great, he was looking at me now. I could feel my heart slowing and slowing until it probably shriveled up into my back.

"…"

Oh God…

"Thankyou, Captain Hitsuyaga," he smiled.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! KABLAM!

I'm also pretty sure that everything in my chest exploded after that. That was the most incredible, excruciating pain I have ever experience.

What the heck was I supposed to do?!

I wanted to do so many things!

I wanted to tell him never to call me "captain" ever again.

I wanted to punch him for obsessing over Bitch Ichimaru.

But the thing I wanted the most was to scream that this was unfair. That I would take care of him, die to protect him. I would make him happy and he would never be Wabisuke again. That I would eat with him, share with him, and spend my whole life with him. Because I would love him.

But I restricted myself to.

I raised my hand and walked away from him. It was what he would see as a kind goodbye. I saw it as unforgivable. I left him there, still completely in love with Bitch Ichimaru… I could have changed that. But I didn't. Because I'm a captain. Because I need to keep my reputation. Because I'm Scared of his response.

I don't understand.

Because I'm a bastard.

A sick, cowardly bastard.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: THIS IS KING AXEL OF THE SARCASTIC ZOMBIE NATION! Hello my lovers (Those who bothered to even read the second chapter) and thank you for going this far. I thought it important to tell you that the first three chapters will have been from when I wrote them out, 3 months ago. In the fourth chapter you will see a significant difference in the quality of writing and (God I hope) keeping the character. I was inspired by the simple fact that this pairing deserves some MOTHER FUCKIN FAME! It's not even a crack-pairing, come on! This is my first couples fan-fiction without the use of OCs, so please, be patient.

**By:** ZenTeNarutard, King Axel of the Zombie Nation

**DISCLAIMER:** The characters are Tite Kubo's, but the pairing was my brilliant plan!

**Rated:** T for Shiro's potty mouth, maybe M later though- *wink wink, nudge nudge* Get my drift?

**Spoilers:** None really, if there are, minimum

**Warnings:** It's Yaoi boyxboy, get the fuck over it.

**Summary:** Toshiro wants to understand.

* * *

"Taichouuuuuuuu-" Matsumoto froze mid-sentence. I immediately changed my expression.

"What?" I responded harshly.

She did nothing, just stood facing away from me, seeming suspiciously interested in the ground. Ugh, what was up with her?

"Did you-"

"Why are you crying… Hitsugaya-taichou?

I froze after her interruption. Slowly my hand drifted to my face. Damn it! I must have cried while mentally kicking myself for my harshness towards Kira!

"That's ridiculous, Matsumoto, finish all that shit I gave you to do!:

Before she could respond, I walked past her, as was common of me. Obviously, I couldn't help but be concerned that she wasn't following.

"Matsumoto?"

Silence.

Finally I heard her footsteps echoing mine, her optimism poisoning the very air once again.

"Do you wanna-?"

"No," I responded to her unfinished question.

"But-"

"No."

"You know you-"

"NO!"

"Agh! Fine, Kira-kun will go drinking with me, then!

She skipped away down the hall.

"Hey! Don't let him fall out the window again!" I yelled after her.

"I won't!"

"And don't forget to do your paperwork!"

"Sorry Captain! Can't hear you!"

"MATSUMOTOOOOOO!"

Ugh, it hurts my head to even remember. If Izuru got hurt she would regret it.

* * *

"Please, just stop this arguing!" pleaded Izuru.

I was close by him and two of his team members. Matsumoto was lying on the ground next to me talking about how the sun was too bright. Drunk Dumbass… we were in the courtyard-an extremely public place unfortunately.

"Why should I? He has a friggin' problem!" responded an obnoxious messy-haired shinigami.

"Oh I have a problem, get your head out of your ass!" sneered someone that was obviously a girl… I think?

"It shouldn't be this way! We're a team, so stop arguing!" demanded Izuru, heh, hefinally used the advantage of his position. I silently praised him from afar.

"You're one to talk! Why don't you just go sit in a corner and cry about Gin since your not gonna do anything!" said the messy-haired son-of-a-bitch who didn't understand I was abou to rip out his spine and beat him with it. Silence echoed as Kira radiated.

"Don't test me," Izuru said, in a voice that showed he was more hurt than annoyed. My heart snapped in half, it was fools like this that were the reason he remained Wabisuke this long. My patience grew thinner and thinner every millisecond the fool looked like he was about to retort.

He laughed. He LAUGHED. I would make him cry. I would beat him so fuckin much his mother would never even dream he was her child. He continued laughing, other people started drifting away from me- okay they ran. One time Momo said some shit about me being infamous for my temper. Honestly, what in the world was she talking about? I still think I refrain quite well. My anger bursts as the fool dared to speak; some shinigami across the courtyard screamed and ran away… noisy bitch.

"Who are you to-"

Snap. Bye bye self-control, see you some other day.

"HE is your fukotaichou! So shut the HELL up and give him the mother-fuckin respect he DESERVES for dealing with all of you dumbasses!"

I couldn't help it. I didn't have as much restraint as I wished. They jumped like freighted kittens and bowed hastily at Izuru and I, spitting apologies before running away like the cowards they were. I sighed. Why did I constantly have to bring his attention to me? One of these days I _would_ accidentally do one of those things I wanted to so badly. I looked up, his eyes met mine and I stopped breathing, my blood stopped flowing, my heart stopped beating. It seemed an eternity we were staring into eachothers eyes. I felt like I was literally on fire. This felt so…. so… _right_. I wanted so desperately for him to look at me with a little more. I had no idea how much the excruciatingly joyful pain would increase if I not only saw him happy, but if he was happy because of me. Then I realized, even if that eternity was only a few seconds, I had held his eyes too long. I closed them and crossed my arms knowingly, a safe restraint.

"You seem to be my hero lately, Hitsugaya-taichou!"

I immediately turned and bent down to Matsumoto. I was seriously about to puke, or faint, or die-, yeah, probably die. I couldn't breathe, if only he knew. But my most important concern was WHAT THE HELL WAS I SUPPOSED TO SAY?! Maybe it was safest to act cool- but I couldn't allow myself to murder this opputunity, to leave him like I did the other day, alone, with no sign of exiting that state.

No, I wouldn't.

Wait! Toshiro! NO!.... too late.

"Then just maybe…," I turned to look at him, grinning subconsciously, "you should drop the 'Taichou'?" I smirked and picked up Matsumoto, only catching a quick glance at his shocked face before walking past him. I could have studied it for hours. Even the most humorous of Kira's faces were beautiful.

I couldn't help but smile and blush like an idiot the entire way back to my office, only seizing the expression to scowl at people who looked back at me in confusion. For now, that was the only thing I needed to have crossed off my list, hopefully I wouldn't need another one for a while. If only I could preserve this moment in ice…

I still don't understand.

But for know, I'm okay with that.


End file.
